Living in Fear

Hello to any who might read this. My name is Emily. I'm writing this here as a record of who I am and what's currently happening for however long it will stay up. Two and a half years ago I made a choice to embrace who I am because the alternative was death. I chose to believe that I had a future and that I could be who I wanted to be for that future. It was the best decision I ever made. Transition has allowed me to live, to feel, to experience life in ways I thought were impossible to me and it allowed me to feel alive again, for a while at least.

Although in some ways this isn't new, the world seems to be falling deeper and deeper into fascism. About 3 months ago I finally escaped from my parents who had not been understanding to live with other transfems, others that had shared in some part my experience, they are all people who are very very dear to me. We try to support each other - though we are all of course broken as well. It's impossible to ignore just how dark things are now.

Everyone I know is drowning. Everyone I know is struggling, it is impossible to find work, to stay out of debt, to stay healthy, to live. More and more it becomes just how apparent how bad the rot has become, and we are among the first affected. Every day i wake up in fear. I am afraid of being taken away in shackles, to have my dignity stripped, my hair cut, my estradiol taken. The only thing I have left is my pride. I hallucinate sounds and have panic attacks over being taken away forever for the crime of being poor, or of being myself. They are often the same thing.

My only hope is that this will end someday. Though i fear I may end myself or something else will end me long before that happens. I don't know how much more I can take of living my life constantly afraid. I just hope you don't forget me.