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About Me

My name is Emily Winters. I love learning new things, lately I've been mapping on openstreetmap. I love radio and exploring the airwaves with my SDR. I am fascinated with cities. I love buses and trains. I've loved trains since I was little, even though I don't remember it that well. I don't get to go out much as my legs and feet hurt. I love to help others. I love to play magic the gathering, but only with proxies, and not the universes beyond sets. My main commander decks have Neerdiv and Inspirt as their commander. I have an acerby named Nova. She has cat ears. I love watching Star Trek, especially Voyager. I love going on walks with people and taking pictures of things. I love winter, the feeling of snow just before it happens when the world is all gray. I love November evenings when the world is blue and theres a chill. I love the glow of orange sodium lamps on quiet streets. I love the feeling of waiting at a train station. I love pasta, alfredo specifically. I love playing Rimworld and city builders. I love fixing things, I have a deep connection with machines. Some would say I have "the knack" for them. I love computers. I love sirens, specifically old ones from the cold war, like the ACA Allertor 125. I love telephony, the old network. I listen to Evan Doorbells recordings on youtube. My favorite cookies are sugar cookies. My favorite pizza is just pepperoni with olives sometimes. When I drink I like wine, pink moscato but I usually just drink whatever is around. My favorite color is a deep blue, reaching into purple.

My name is Emily Winters and I am alive and I lived.

Who I always wanted to be

The below piece was originally called "A series of transgender experiences" and stopped being updated in 2021 just before I started HRT and came out. It was written in part to try and "justify" my transition to myself following reading many older accounts of trans women on old geocities sites at the time. The original can be found here. At the time I still was unlearning a lot of shame around being trans and some of that is present in the older version of this. As of writing this in June 2026 I am attempting to fill in some time and gaps to do more justice to my former self as well. They sacrificed a lot and ultimately the road ran out on our former life. After a lot of struggle, we have been remade by our own hands into something greater. If you are ever faced with the same choice, if you have ever questioned or experienced the things we describe in this. Please look at the links for transition and HRT sources listed here. Transgender solidarity and love forever. The song will go on.

The ages listed are approximations.

At 7, I wore jewelry and big jackets and ran around the house. (Or so I'm told)

At 12, I figured out what the feminine version of my name was, and imagined constantly late at night, that I would wake up and be her. I imagined waking up and being a girl, tried to capture what that experience would be like over and over again. This same year I had my first encounters with life-long depression basically at the same time puberty started.

At 13, I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and pulled my hair back, and looked in wonder as it seemed to make me look more feminine. I stuffed socks into my shirt and tried to imagine what having breasts could be like.

At 14, I stopped going shirtless, it made me uncomfortable. Part of this was due to my stretch marks, but it also made me uncomfortable due to dysphoria

Ay 15, after playing Undertale and listening to fan artists, I ended up listening to a cover album I had on my iPod. The artist came out as a trans woman sometime after I got the album. Her name is Amie Waters.[Her music is here]

At 16, I made my first girl character in a game. It was in Stardew Valley after we moved to a house that didn't have any internet. Her name was Emily. She had long dark hair and green eyes.

At 17, as a product of spending more time on reddit, I became more exposed to trans women. Unfortunately not all of this exposure was good, much of it was through porn. However, it did lead to me asking more questions and trying to learn more. I started shaving parts of my body in private.

At 18, I started engineering school at a big state university. It was supposed to be the start of the rest of my life. For the first time I breathed free air away from my parents. I was exposed to ideas like being more sex-positive and speaking more about attraction and identity. I started unlearning the shame I had accumulated living with my conservative christian parents.

At 19, the world ended. COVID 19 became something that was on the news, to something that was killing people in my own city. I evacuated my dorm in March before the official orders. A little over a month later I contracted what I believe to be an alpha strain of the virus. It was so early there were no tests. I ran a fever for days on end and had every symptom imaginable. I survived, but i traded my youth for my survival. My exposure to COVID left a permanent impact on my health, causing chronic fatigue, pain, brain fog, and a compromised immune system. After I recovered I entered a deep depressive slump.

At 20, I was finally able to move back to university due to my status as an engineering student even though my grades were plummeting. I formed a very close bond with my roommate at the time. I made my first trans friend, someone in my classes after I switched majors to a different engineering program. He gave me my first skirt. I started spending more time with trans folks online.

At 21, I started experimenting with my gender, I painted my nails, dyed my hair, and started shaving my legs I started identifying as nonbinary. That year I also played Celeste for the first time, as well as Unpacking and Signalis. I sent a picture of me in a Celeste shirt I got to a transfem I knew at the time. She jokingly said "I didn't know you were trans"

At 22, I got an internship at a engineering company. It ended with me crying in my supervisors office. I was struggling and ideating daily. In that summer, I traveled up and down the east coast in a state of mania. Then while driving with a trans girl I'd met in Florida on the interstate I slammed my car into an SUV that I couldn't see was stopped. My car was unrecoverable. I ran out of money for school and my apartment. I had to beg to not be evicted. I had to leave my dearest friend, my roommate I'd lived with for years, whom I loved dearly. I cried for hours on the way back to my parents. I never saw or heard from him again. I was getting drunk or high as often as I could. I entered the art program at a different university, but I started having psychotic episodes and the driving after my accident was too much on me. I finally dropped out of school, tens of thousands of dollars in debt I couldn't hope to ever repay. I was left with no hope, no future, no friends. I came very near to killing myself, it was a constant drone in the back of my mind. I listened to Radiohead's videotape on repeat. In December of that year, I started HRT.

At 23, I isolated. I played Final Fantasy XIV daily. I started presenting feminine with them more online. I used my character, a miqo'te named Tofu to experiment with my own presentation. I learned to reassemble myself into a person again after who I was had been so thoroughly broken. I desperately wanted out of my parents. I would have taken anything. At one point I drove the car hours away just to see a guy who wasn't that interested in me. I started an online relationship with another transfem. I started reading more, learning more about transfeminism; but I was also struggling. I couldn't go more than an hour or so from home. I never saw any of my friends. I couldn't come out socially because of how rural the area was. I was alone. The power would go out and I would sit in the dark and have panic attacks. I was reborn in the dark.

At 24, things stayed much the same. I started playing and developing for Space Station 14 forks and stopped playing FF. My relationship ended. I even managed to get out, briefly, a few times with the help of my friends, but it was always temporary. I started presenting feminine in public. I would wear my hoodie around my parents and would change in the car. I started getting desperate.

At 25, I finally escaped my parents with the help of my friends. I started injections. I currently live afraid of whats to come, but I am alive, and some days. I'm happy.

Music

still WIP

Favorite tracks I still listen to off of albums will be listed under it with ★ next to them. Albums with ★ are favorite albums. Extra favorite will have ★★. Year started listening to indicated in parentheses. Former regular listen that is no longer indicated by ☆.

100 Gecs - 100,00 Gecs (2023)

- ★ Dumbest Girl Alive

- ★ The Most Wanted Person in the United States.

- ★ mememe

Amie Waters - kyrie

Amie Waters - ASKAP

Astrid Ztar - Mu

- ★ Hover

Bladee - Crest (2024)

- ★ Girls Just Want to Have Fun

Black Dresses - WASTEISOLATION (2022)

- ☆ IN MY MOUTH

blackwinterwells - mortal

☆ blackwinterwells - depth charge

Daft Punk - Random Access Memories (2013)

Daft Punk - Discovery

- ★ Death Grips - Money Store

doefriends - I WANT TO LOVE AGAIN

- ★★ I WANT TO LOVE AGAIN

DV-i - Re:Connect

- ★ Acceleration/Fission

Gorillaz - Demon Days

Gorillaz - Plastic Beach

- ★ Rhinestone Eyes

★★ FLAVOR FOLEY - Queen of Venus

★★ FLAVOR FOLEY - Human

Goth Lipstick - crystalline corset

- ★ catgirl goes to college

- ★ transhuman

★★ Happy Birthday Mr. Baskets - Best Chains on

☆ Happy Birthday Mr. Baskets - Everything you want

- ☆☆ reprise

HEALTH - RAT WARS

HEALTH - CONFLICT DLC

jam2go - Crash Test

- ★★ Crashout

- ★ Edutainment

- ★ I Hope this Email

- ★ The Sim

★ Jamie Paige - Constant Companions

- ★ Dyad

- ★★★ Machine Love

- ★ Strawberry

- ★★ Dance Delightful

Jamie Paige - Bittersweet

- ☆ Greatsword / Love as Fire

Lena Raine - Minecraft OST

- ★ Otherside

Lena Raine - Celeste OST

★★★ First Steps (piano solo)

The Magnetic Fields - Tallahassee

- ☆ No Children

The Mountain Goats - Jenny from Thebes

- ☆ Clean Slate

The Mountain Goats - The Sunset Tree

- ☆ This Year

MGMT - Little Dark Age

- ☆ When you Die

Oneothrix Point Never - Oneothrix Point Never

- ★ Lost but Never Alone

Oneothrix Point Never - Again

Owl City - Of June (2019)

- ☆☆ Fuzzy Blue Lights

Peach Rings

☆ Penelope Scott - 7 O'Clock (2023)

Phoebe Bridgers - Punisher

- ☆ Chinese Satellite

☆☆ Pink Floyd - The Wall

Porter Robinson - SMILE! :D

- ★ Russian Roulette

- ★ Year of the Cup

- ★ Is there Really no Happiness?

★ Porter Robinson - Nurture

- ★★★ Musician

- ★★ Lifelike

- ★★ Something Comforting

- ★★ Trying to Feel Alive

☆ Radiohead - in Rainbows

- ☆ Videotape

Radiohead - OK Computer

- ☆ No Surprises

☆ Radiohead - Kid A

- ☆ Motion Picture Soundtrack

Tyler, the Creator - IGOR

They Might be Giants - Mink Car (2019)

- ★ Man it's so Loud in Here

They Might be Giants - Flood (2012)

- ★ Birdhouse in your soul

Toby Fox - Deltarune OST

Toby Fox - Undertale OST

★ Vylet Pony - ECR

★★ Vylet Pony - Where do we Begin?

Vylet Pony - CUTIEMARKS (and the things that bind us)

- ★★ WAYFARER

- ★ ANTONYMPH

Windows 96 - One Hundred Mornings (2022)

- ☆ Rituals